I’ve spent most of my life hiding who I am from the people who’ve known me the longest.

Childhood

In my early childhood I was chatty, and energetic. I didn’t think too much of things and I liked what I liked. I didn’t know I was gay, and it didn’t matter. My closest friends were girls, and my best friend is still a girl that I became friends with in this time (hi). I enjoyed playing with dolls and action figures, and I didn’t care who a TV show or game was marketed towards; I just cared about having fun.

As I grew up I started to get the sense that there was something wrong with me, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on what it was. It didn’t really matter to me because it wasn’t having an impact on me, but I had a feeling that I shouldn’t be as open about some things if I wanted to carry on fitting in.

Teenage years

When I reached high school, and progressed through my teenage years I started to finally work out what it was; and started to withdraw even more to help protect myself. From the outside I seemed normal, and I was engaging in my hobbies, finishing my homework and socialising. It took me a bit of time but I was eventually able to work out what it was.

“What? Are you gay?” Me? Gay? No of course not! I can’t be, can I?

My immediate gut reaction when being taunted with the possibility of being called gay was a feeling of shame and a rejection of the insult. But when you hear it being used often (not always towards me) it makes you think.

My way of coping with this was to reassure myself that I probably wasn’t gay, and if I was I must be bi. Maybe 70/30, or 80/20 and that 20-30% means I’m straight enough. I just haven’t seen or met a girl that turns me on yet. If I bury things I won’t have to think about them, and if I choose a friend I enjoy spending time with as a crush that must mean I’m straight enough for it to be ok.

I put off thinking about things until I was forced to. I was finishing off high school, only doing 2 subjects in sixth form which gave me a lot of free time to use as I pleased. Free time to spend on my hobbies and interests, and to force myself to sit down and look in a mirror.

Into the real world

Have I ever seen anybody of the opposite sex that has done anything for me in that way? The answer was no, so I knew I was lying to myself. No bi now gay later for me.

The benefit of moving into the real world is that it means you end up too busy to do much about it, I started a degree apprenticeship and ended up so busy between work, university and trying to have a life that it meant I didn’t feel like I had to do anything about my realisation and I could just carry on as I was. Until the pandemic fucked that up (for the better).

I was fortunate enough to still be working full time. So despite still being busy with work and university, I ended up gaining time, and running out of things to spend it on. My response to this was to think. A lot. Was it really that bad that I was gay? And is there anything I’d been thinking about for a while that I should do something about?

The impact of shame

The impact that burying your feelings and hiding who you are from everybody has on your life cannot be understated. I’ve written a couple of long blog posts on my interests that have gone into more detail than anybody who’s known my my whole life have any idea about. I’ve been going to therapy for just over a year so I can talk about things with somebody that has no judgement or preconcieved ideas about who I am. For years I found it easier (and still do) to talk to strangers on the internet about what I like than I do with the people who love me.

My reaction to the easing of lockdown measures in the UK (for what looked like the final time) was to go out and get my ears and nipples pierced. What better way to celebrate liberation? This came as a big shock to my parents because they had no idea I’d been thinking about it, let alone that I like piercings. Imagine the shock and concern over the next few months as I added a helix, tragus, septum and industrial to the mix in quick succession. And I’ve booked in some tattoo sessions, did the pandemic break me?

The answer to the question is no. And the reality is that I’ve had interests that have been core parts of me that I’ve kept hidden for one simple reason. Shame.

Hidden interests

I wrote in my ‘why get tattooed?‘ blog post that I’ve always liked tattoos. What I didn’t write about was that nobody knew I always liked tattoos, and for that matter nobody knew that I liked motorbikes as well. This is for a couple of reasons. The main one is shame, and the lesser one is because my brother likes both and I didn’t get along with him while growing up – so why would I want anything in common with him? (A stupid reason, but it is what it is.)

As I started to understand myself more I had a feeling that these were 2 interests I should keep to myself. I didn’t know why I had that feeling, but it felt like the right thing to do and so for years I decided to follow my instinct.

Now that I’m older I’ve realised that it’s because I feel ashamed about them. I care what the people I love think of me, if I share too much of myself and they decide they don’t like it then there’s no going back. At some point my feelings about the possibility of being gay became intertwined with my interests. If I tell a stranger on the internet about them and they think I’m a weirdo then it doesn’t matter, and maybe they’ve already been open that they have the same interests and we’ll have a good discussion about them.

So what now?

This blog post acts as a confession of sorts. It’s a way of putting what I’ve realised into words rather than thoughts. I’m going to send it to my best friend so she can get to know the hidden me better, and I’m putting it out into the void in case anybody comes across it and it resonates with them in any way.

I still struggle with shame. I feel like I can be open with my partner more than I can my family and my friends. I want to be better about it, but that’s something that will only come with time and practice; as I try and make my interests ‘normal’ in my head.